7 bowling moves we all pull (but no one talks about)
Whether or not these moves can improve your scores remains to be scientifically verified, but here are the top seven bowling moves that everyone pulls, yet no one talks about.
Let's face it: In spite of what that mug you got you for your birthday says, none of us are the world's greatest bowler. We all take our best shots when we hit the lanes and sometimes we whiff it, sending our balls flying into the gutter, other lanes or inexplicably rolling backwards, seemingly of their own volition.
Unless you happen to be this guy. Daaaaaaaang.
It's OK though: At Kings, we recognize that it isn't about how many strikes you rack up, rather the fond memories made and good times you have with friends, family and co-workers. That said, we can't help but notice some common moves that everyone - regardless of skill or experience - pulls out when they're bowling. Whether or not these moves can improve your scores remains to be scientifically verified, but here are the top seven bowling moves that everyone pulls, yet no one talks about.
1. The Lean
Common amongst bowlers of all ages and backgrounds, The Lean occurs when a bowler - anxiously watching their ball rolling down the lanes - begins to lean their body in the direction they want their ball to go. We've all been there and felt like feel like moving our entire body in one direction can actually will the ball to move ever so slightly to pick up that last pin. It's actually a form of remote telekinetic control where you attempt to physically influence the ball after it has left your grip, this move is often supplemented by a similar move, "The Wave" (a la Carlton Fisk) and accompanied by silent pleas to the ball to move "just a little to the right, c'mon just a little to the no no no not that way no NO NO NOOO AW SSSSSSSASSAFRASS!"
A classic example of celebrity bowler showcasing a pro level Lean.
2. The Ball Whisperer
Rather that trying to exert their will over the ball and its movements, some bowlers choose a more seductive approach. The Ball Whisperer opts to attempt to sweet-talk their bowling ball into knocking down the pins, whispering instructions into the ball's non-existent ears before lining up and taking their shot. While this is a minimally disruptive move and indeed can foster a sense of connection between the thrower and the thrown, it should be noted that direct face-to-ball contact is discouraged for sanitary reasons.
3. The Quivering Rage
Following several consecutive gutterballs, some of the more ... competitive bowlers may start breaking out this move. Their posture becomes hunched, their gait stiff and labored and you'll see the veins popping out of their neck, forehead and basically any other exposed patch of skin. Often they will insist they're "fine, JUST FINE," in between whispering threats to their ball and loudly declaring these damn lanes must be tilted (they aren't, we checked). It must be noted that this is a very high level move and may cause headaches, stiff neck, high blood pressure and everyone at the office discretely exchanging emails about "Greg's crazy freakout." Remember: It's all fun and games until someone falls to their knees, loudly cursing the day they were born unto this godforsaken world of pain and misery!
4. The Zone
On the other side of the coin, the Zone occurs after you've thrown like two strikes in a row and all the sudden you realize you are the Chosen One, spoken of in the legends passed down through the centuries in hushed tones. Forget about the rest of this frame, this is simply the beginning of a career-long hot streak that is sure to find you revolutionizing the sport as we know it today. To pull of this move and eventually go on join the PBA, the key is to act very casual, almost blasé. No high fives or smiles necessary after each successive strike, this is suddenly old hat to you. Crucially, if you find the next few frames to be less than the full-scale domination you are entitled to, don't panic: This is simply a test to ensure that you are fully ready to shoulder the responsibility of being godlike bowling excellence made flesh.
5. The Not-So-Private Dancer
This move is typically reserved for celebration: After conquering a particularly challenging split, bowler may find themselves breaking out incredibly complicated, seemingly choreographed ahead of time dance moves. Regardless of past inclination towards dancing or expressing yourself via rhythmic movement, the Not-So-Private Dancer is ready to bust a celebratory move at the drop of a hat and cannot be interrupted until the hybrid Robot-Shopping Cart-Worm routine has completed. Let the rhythm take you over!
6. The Tenuous Zen
The Tenuous Zen is almost less a move than a state of mind: A bowler will throughout the game seem content and at peace, regardless of their performance, insisting they're just having a grand old time out. Gutter ball? Hey, it's all good. It's just a game. Strike? Well, alright. Of course, this air of unflappable cool and calm isn't exactly unshakable and may start give way to either The Zone or the Quivering Rage if they find themselves on a sustained hot or cold streak.
7. The Understated Mathematician
While on the surface possibly indistinguishable from the Tenuous Zen, the mind of Understated Mathematician is always churning, particularly as the game draws to a close. They start the game with a friendly, gregarious attitude, trying not to be too competitive, but in the final two frames you'll find them furiously calculating scores in their head a la Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind. Luckily, at Kings, our high-tech automated scoring system means that you don't have to be Will Hunting to know who's on top.